God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
