'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
