i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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