How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
