I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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