her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
