i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
