You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
