im about as happy as oj after his trial
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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