I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
