sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
