good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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