Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
