4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
