You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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