I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
