I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
