So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
