He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
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my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug