i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday