You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds