the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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