I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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