Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
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Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
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It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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