if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
