My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
