Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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