Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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