why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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