True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
two words: eviction party
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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