plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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