Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
