There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
we made out on top of his cat.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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