Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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