Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
