you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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