I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
