The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
