WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
her vagine was all disorganized.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
