Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
