Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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