I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
