Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
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Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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