I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
