Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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