I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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