I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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