somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
