Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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