please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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