I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
