what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
