It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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