Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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