I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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