the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
They have beer where we have blood.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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