Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
