shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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