The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
